You're a grand old flag!

Happy Birthday, America! Or, as I like to say these days "Meiguo duliri kuaile!"

Something like that.

Want to know what The Fourth of July is like in China?

It's just like the third of July, or the second of September, or even the twelfth of May. Except, today I wore my Boston t-shirt while I made a big pot of chili in lieu of a BBQ, and a Mark Bittman watermelon salad so we could pretend we were also attending a potluck get-together in someone's backyard.

By the way, the watermelons in Beijing are the tastiest I've ever had. For 15-25 kuai each, I gobble up at least one per week.

So, get out there today and celebrate all the outdoor festivities you can muster up. Have a hotdog and Sam Adams Summer Seasonal for me. Watch some fireworks and snuggle up on a blanket under the stars. Don't forget to wear your red, white and blue and some sunscreen. Now, it's time for us to make patriotic plaid look good:

door number two

OOOOmmmm. I'm sitting here allowing an Origins active charcoal cleansing mask to stiffen my face into a state void of emotion. Have you ever tried smiling or crying with this stuff on? It's been two days since we made our decision to stay or to go, but in the meantime, I tried to distract you with my other musings. Now, I'm trying to distract myself from the swell of emotions that come from having to leave this kick ass place.

For example: I burst into tears at the beginning of yesterday's Mandarin lesson. That was classy. There I am, stumbling in another language through my, my, my sniffles and my, my, my sobs trying to explain that we have to leave soon, and why I am so upset because I didn't really prepare myself for that reality.  I try to express how much I am going to miss my teacher, my students, the cheap Popsicles sold at every street corner magazine stand, amongst other things, when the classroom turns into a frenzy of sadness and spattering. My teacher starts to tear up because I can't seem to pull myself together, and then my new Spanish classmate starts to cough uncontrollably, choking on the remnants of his last cigarette.  Three grown people running amok in the first ten minutes of the day's lesson. I was appalled by my own behavior - I forgot to chant the mantra "there is no reason to cry, so I will not cry!" At least my laoshi  turned the moment into a lesson. We learned how to say, "Are you OK?" and reviewed the ever popular phrase, "I do not know when I will return to Beijing, but perhaps we can Skype!?" A-ya - Chinese for  ehh, ugh, err. Composure is not my strong suit these days.

What I should have expressed to my teacher and fellow adult classmate, in a manner indicative of someone who's in control of her emotions, was that Z was offered a graduate student teaching position back in Boston, so...Responsibility won us a spot back in the states sooner than Adventure wants us to be there. We've yet to set a specific date for our return home, but we know that school starts the first week of September, and that means we have to leave enough time for putting our lives back together in the US. The thought of squashing everything into our four suitcases leaves me ill. How is it all going to fit?! We'll try to slow-ship some of our clothing and books as soon as possible, but the cost and the weight seem to add up so quickly. Tip for US expats on a budget: (a) don't purchase anything while you are traveling and living abroad or, more realistically, (b) don't fill your suitcases to the brim with stuff from the US before you get to your new overseas home. I've just got to get this Buddha back to Boston, dammit!

The rest of yesterday's lesson moved from weepy bouts of breathlessness to learning how to ask a fish monger to cut up a fresh catch, and from sayings like, "At first, I thought Sichuan food was too spicy," to "that beggar thinks you are very silly." If I wasn't still so frazzled yesterday morning, I might have inquired further as to why Beijing's community of poor and homeless is judging me these days. It's a big move, people!

Alright, time to mantra it up, and rinse away the grime. I'm hoping Origins will do the trick for now-literally and figuratively, of course.

promises I'll "breath a sigh of relief" after use

back by popular demand

D-Day approaches, my friends. You might be thinking I've gotten my historical dates mixed up, and missed my mark by a week, but this D-Day is personal.  Decision Day tomorrow. Time to get your game faces on. The Future is just beyond the horizon, and Z and I have to make some tough choices about our time in Beijing. First, let's examine how we've gotten to this point. After all, I've kept you out of the loop for so long!

It's during the times of chaos and activity and happenings that I should be writing. I should have been telling you all along about our many visitors, my kick-ass English classes with my high school students, my private tutoring, my nonplussed reaction toward Beijingers non-reaction to Osama's death. Hell, I've even gotten my hair cut again since I last wrote, and let me tell you, it was another memorable experience. But instead, I retreated. I tried to avoid the inevitable by claiming writer's block, or a busy schedule, or sheer exhaustion at the thought of having to write at the end of my sixth visit to the Great Wall. But as my students say, "It's all pomp!" (still, by the way, I'm not exactly certain what the interpretation of this saying is...), and time marches on. I'm not going to fizzle out. There's more you may endure from this chatterbox.

So, what exactly have I been doing during the month of my hiatus? Here's what I've spared you up until now:
1) Revisiting the fact that time and again all this "free time" on my hands is simultaneously frightening and liberating. Living in Beijing has taught me that I am a person who is (a) more capable of accomplishing things I never thought I would, but also (b) pretty damn lazy when I want to be, too.
2) Rediscovering that saying goodbye to friends and family never, ever, ever gets easier. Cue downward spiral into horrible homesickness which then leads to questions about...
3) What am I doing with my life!? What am I going to do with the Chinese that I've learned? What kind of job can I get when we return home...which then leads to...
4) When are we going back the US?? How can we unpack all that stuff in storage? Maybe I should just give it all away? I don't feel ready to leave China...
5) But sometimes these decisions are made for us. Especially when mula, cash, dough, kuai, money is involved. Z and I have had to ponder the fact that the grant we have been waiting to hear about for additional funding was (suddenly?) CANCELLED by the US Department of Education. Congress has allocated zero funding for international educational exchange for doctoral candidates for the 2011-2012 fiscal year under the Fulbright-Hays program. Notice came by way of email. A short, bureaucratic, non-apologetic, don't blame us, blame others kind of email. I accept the fact that we are lucky to be here are here because Z worked really hard to get us here. We shouldn't look our noses up at the lost opportunity but be thankful for the opportunity we have already been granted. words, words, words. We're still disappointed.

Do you see how quickly and naturally I progressed into this state of anxiety?

After nine months in Beijing I felt I had settled into Comfortable Me, and forgotten briefly what it's like to be Working Full-time Me, or Searching for Another Apartment Me, or  Having to Pay the Cable Bills Me ("cable TV" is $15/year here and I've learned to live without the onslaught of 24 hour news and entertainment). I've known all along that life in Beijing was not going to be permanent, but man, does it have to end so soon?!  Before long, will I return to the country where the college students' gut reaction to the death of the world's most sought after terrorist is to chant "USA! USA!" in roving groups? Do you have any idea how to explain this kind of behavior to a Beijing taxi driver? I'm still searching for the right way to express the phrase "morally troublesome" in Mandarin.

decisions, decisions...

So, we've given ourselves this deadline of June 15 to come up with a decision, because student visas don't last forever in the land of dumplings and Mao memorabilia. Find a job in Beijing that could keep us here for another six months, or return to the US and start our Boston life together? If it's the latter, then I am going to have to start a list of things I am looking forward to doing back in the States. If it's the former, then I better get myself to that Confucius Temple I've been meaning to check out right quick. T-minus six hours until tomorrow. Maybe we'll give ourselves until June 15, eastern standard time.

can Boston make us this happy, again?!