back by popular demand

D-Day approaches, my friends. You might be thinking I've gotten my historical dates mixed up, and missed my mark by a week, but this D-Day is personal.  Decision Day tomorrow. Time to get your game faces on. The Future is just beyond the horizon, and Z and I have to make some tough choices about our time in Beijing. First, let's examine how we've gotten to this point. After all, I've kept you out of the loop for so long!

It's during the times of chaos and activity and happenings that I should be writing. I should have been telling you all along about our many visitors, my kick-ass English classes with my high school students, my private tutoring, my nonplussed reaction toward Beijingers non-reaction to Osama's death. Hell, I've even gotten my hair cut again since I last wrote, and let me tell you, it was another memorable experience. But instead, I retreated. I tried to avoid the inevitable by claiming writer's block, or a busy schedule, or sheer exhaustion at the thought of having to write at the end of my sixth visit to the Great Wall. But as my students say, "It's all pomp!" (still, by the way, I'm not exactly certain what the interpretation of this saying is...), and time marches on. I'm not going to fizzle out. There's more you may endure from this chatterbox.

So, what exactly have I been doing during the month of my hiatus? Here's what I've spared you up until now:
1) Revisiting the fact that time and again all this "free time" on my hands is simultaneously frightening and liberating. Living in Beijing has taught me that I am a person who is (a) more capable of accomplishing things I never thought I would, but also (b) pretty damn lazy when I want to be, too.
2) Rediscovering that saying goodbye to friends and family never, ever, ever gets easier. Cue downward spiral into horrible homesickness which then leads to questions about...
3) What am I doing with my life!? What am I going to do with the Chinese that I've learned? What kind of job can I get when we return home...which then leads to...
4) When are we going back the US?? How can we unpack all that stuff in storage? Maybe I should just give it all away? I don't feel ready to leave China...
5) But sometimes these decisions are made for us. Especially when mula, cash, dough, kuai, money is involved. Z and I have had to ponder the fact that the grant we have been waiting to hear about for additional funding was (suddenly?) CANCELLED by the US Department of Education. Congress has allocated zero funding for international educational exchange for doctoral candidates for the 2011-2012 fiscal year under the Fulbright-Hays program. Notice came by way of email. A short, bureaucratic, non-apologetic, don't blame us, blame others kind of email. I accept the fact that we are lucky to be here are here because Z worked really hard to get us here. We shouldn't look our noses up at the lost opportunity but be thankful for the opportunity we have already been granted. words, words, words. We're still disappointed.

Do you see how quickly and naturally I progressed into this state of anxiety?

After nine months in Beijing I felt I had settled into Comfortable Me, and forgotten briefly what it's like to be Working Full-time Me, or Searching for Another Apartment Me, or  Having to Pay the Cable Bills Me ("cable TV" is $15/year here and I've learned to live without the onslaught of 24 hour news and entertainment). I've known all along that life in Beijing was not going to be permanent, but man, does it have to end so soon?!  Before long, will I return to the country where the college students' gut reaction to the death of the world's most sought after terrorist is to chant "USA! USA!" in roving groups? Do you have any idea how to explain this kind of behavior to a Beijing taxi driver? I'm still searching for the right way to express the phrase "morally troublesome" in Mandarin.

decisions, decisions...

So, we've given ourselves this deadline of June 15 to come up with a decision, because student visas don't last forever in the land of dumplings and Mao memorabilia. Find a job in Beijing that could keep us here for another six months, or return to the US and start our Boston life together? If it's the latter, then I am going to have to start a list of things I am looking forward to doing back in the States. If it's the former, then I better get myself to that Confucius Temple I've been meaning to check out right quick. T-minus six hours until tomorrow. Maybe we'll give ourselves until June 15, eastern standard time.

can Boston make us this happy, again?!