It's Electrifying

How to purchase utilities in Beijing. Today's lesson is Electricity:

a) First, wait two days after your landlord has instructed you to purchase electricity. You live on the edge these days, anyhow.

b) Then, purchase large quantities of AA batteries, flashlights, candles and matches/or a lighter. Place the working flashlights in various corners of your home or apartment where you can easily access them without having to search for them in the dark. Trust me. Also, always put the lighter or matches in a safe spot. The kitchen drawer works best.

c) Take a copy of your lease, your written address and your personalized code for purchasing electricity to the nearest ICBC. Do not take these documents to the Bank of China thinking you can purchase electricity at that location. ONLY ICBC. No, wait. Forget to bring your copy of your lease with you. That won't matter anyhow, right?

d) Walk 45 minutes to one hour in the wrong direction only after you attempt to purchase electricity at a Bank of China.

e) Stop for lunch at 3:00 PM because you are cranky and hungry.

f) Finally, convince your husband to ask the woman at the magazine-stand if there is an ICBC anywhere in close proximity.

g) Score! There is, says magazine-stand lady.

h) Keep walking.

i) Find the Mecca that is ICBC.

j) Stand in line for another 30 minutes, hoping that the line you are in is in fact, the line that leads to the man behind the window in order to pay for electricity in your apartment.

k) Fill the gap in line; just because you are the only Western person in line on a Thursday afternoon, does not mean that you are in the wrong line and that you will let anyone over the age of 65 cut in front of you. Even if she looks like a nice grandma with only good intentions.

l) Yes! You have made it to the front of the line. You've given the man at the window your passcode and address. You have successfully purchased electricity. You should feel proud and happy. You have accomplished something (great) today!

m) Go home. Turn on all the lights in your apartment just because you can. Now turn them off.

n) Wait for the electricity to go out. This could take a week, three weeks, a month. Who knows? Use your candles and flashlights until you can start the purchasing process all over again.